Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Story ends...

When I met the doctor, he said to live with my parents 6 mnths more… I was shocked to hear the news coz I planned to stay and to find a job over there. I insisted but I was forced to obey doctors words..Without mental health how far a gal can live in an anonymous place… I called him, he asked me to come back to native…when I came back ..he was not like before..hardly come for job…asked me to find a job…then I tried for a job…in the nights I used to wait for him as before but he never comes..then on feb 16 I got a job as med transcriptionst… he called me ..after 2 weeks he calling… he said , dear I got engaged …I was shockd to hear about his engagement..i was stucked ..blank… I send him wishes..just that from my part…but he gave me so many replys.I said will stop chatting…he said will continue till his marriage..I said NO.. coz I am not dat kindda gal…what he think of me?? Am I a toy for him to play with..so for a month..i dnt chat in between I called him just to enquire about his marriage ..i decided his marriage conduct in our native..surely I will go… coz he is stayin near my house …but he is settled in abudhabi… I was thinking as for this i must give him a gift…two days before his marriage he called I asked him why he calling me again…he said he wanna call me again after his marriage as a gud frnd…he said, dear, always you were a gud frnd of mine…I got stunned…when I got an alliance ..i remember his words ..i cant see u other than my love..”these guys” I was thinking..Is wealth that all matters??
He said that he wanna chat ..he asked my mail ID..there again got shocked..for three years I was using this ID to chat with and he even knows the password byheart..I didn’t ask him why killing me again and again… even then I went online..he was asking me, dear I wanna see ur face … I said NO..
Coz in my mind I had the intention to go to his marriage as I said before..
So on may22 I wnt to his marriage.. one of the costliest auditorium of my place.. when I went thru the back row he called me he was sitting at the back … I went and sit near him..he gave me a shake hand.. I felt like giving a slap on his face…I just gave him a 5 star chocolate a 10rs chocolate..as a thanksgiving for luving me three and half years..
When the ceremonial started when he started moving power gone..darkness in the hall where he was standing..at that spot I was cryin..he just turned back …that look I will cherish it through out my life…..
After 2 days of his marriage he called me again from another number..if it was his number I wud have never taken..asked about my home details..i was standing in the terrace ..when I lookd out..I saw him outside in the car…again he agve me a shock..he dint kept the fone.goin on begging me..shall I call u dear..all my old frnds calls me..then y cant u… that time I undrstood he dint understand wat my love is…my 3 years of love ……
I Wasted all my love for a person who don’t even deserve a bit of love from me………

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

cont:my lost world

Muh..I talked to him everything under the sun, I loved talking about the sun, the moon, the stars, sky, humor .. he always liked my child-like behavior and always used to laugh at my foolish talks.. as I said before he is a good listener. He liked me in all the ways. But this friendship dheere dheere turned me … yes, I started loving him..those times he had a lover..even then I opened my mind to him …I love you…he busted out..wrote long mails….no dear I cant… after a month or two she left him, he became so low. I consoled him ..I said a thousand ..dear am there for you..slowly slowly we became so much close..that no one in the world will not be able to separate us..

Yeah.. that was only my intuition..He was living in a different in which, where my thoughts never could be reached. A world of partying, traveling, and masti with friends. I cant say he was nt sincere to me. Yes he was… when I was alone he was with me..as a perfect lover …

But as the relationship grew older …there always had breakage in our relationship..Un-usual fights unnecessary talks.. I was very possessive over him.. yes, to an extent he too… but he never expressed…

As I am having a bipolar disease hidden inside it comes out..he never knew when and how it comes out..he never knew to react on it .. he thought through his talks or something it will disappear..

Bipolar disease have episodes of 3-6 months…but I talked normally.. but inside I donno what all I was thinking..He thought his love alright ..then why..she is purposely doing it…

No one in this world will not be able able to determine this disease until when it reaches a certain stage…

Two times I was admitted in the depression ward in Asia’s NO:1 hospital… first not because of him..just to diagnose… and the second time I was admitted purely coz of him… as I said the disease is always hidden inside until and unless a shock affects or discontinue the tablets…
The second time the reason why I was admitted is that.. when my childhood friend and he became friends without my consent..but they hide this from me.. when I came to know ..i tried to ask him..he slipped away from the talks..as I was so possessive this was like burning inside me… I tried to ask my friend but she too slipped from my talk..Y they hiding? That was a question inside..i knew that just a friendship..but why she hiding from me???

I got admitted with severe depression…
I was totally out of the world… The world around me was like a mystery…even then I talk to both of them as a normal person…atlast doctor prescribed ECT for me that is shock treatment..rather than takin tablets..but my father stood against this… so I started taking antidepression tablets…around two months I stayed there ..I stopped talking with him…..as per my daddys wish I was discharged from the hospital… …In between on april 7 he calld me ..that was my b’day ..sharp 12 am he calld me.. He even send me flowers but I didn’t accepted..”NOT ME” the “diseased ME”..after that I stopped talking with him..i told him we will stop the relation..just because I know that its hard for me to come out of my world..and I always wanted to see him happy..i told that..

Back from hospital ..his memories was behind me..I called him..but the way he responded shocked me..
He said, “Ohh you came”, in a different tone. But I begged him for his love. Again we restarted our old relation.. I was cured after 2 months..i became his old “wify”. Our world of dreams…then he asked me to find a job … atlast I went to auntys house in pune ..i got the job..as it was night shift ..i discontinued the job..I really missed him those times…he used to call me.. but as there is no system in auntys house I didn’t able to chat with him..and there are so many formalities to browse from cafĂ©…we have to show ID cards ..as I am from Kerala ..I never kept ID cards in my bag..those times first time away from my parents that too this much distance.. In the mean time I got pneumonia and I came back to kerala.. then again I got my baby back.. I always called him ..”MY BABY”…I was getting bored sitting inside house .. I told him dear I cant ..he then told, ur friend is here call her..I was shocked to hear that news .. coz she was in dubai.. I asked him how u came to know..he then said I entered into ur id (he knew my ID)then I saw her online..i said I blocked her n my id ..and how come it happened.. I said now again stop talking with her.. he suddenly said .. you don’t have the right to question me… First time hearing from him.. I got shocked ..huh..just because of my friend he said like that to me…

There again started my depression…a mild depression.. He told me to find a job in bangalore we went to see the doctor he advised to stay with parents for a month..i said to him..he said ok January when u go find a job …so January I went to Bangalore..met my doctor again….

Saturday, June 13, 2009

cont:my lost world

Continued..

Ohh…hmm..I always take a breath and says whatever happens he will be there for me..His words still echoing in my ears… “Trust me, Am with you” “MY WIFY”…

I don’t remember when and how you stop saying the word “WIFY”, but you always says these three “you my love”, My True Love”. I considered him not only as my love, my husband, my kid, and mother..yeah he was always like little kid.. he always fight for simple things, keep distance if I fight with him..but even then we will get patched up..

Our love was known to anybody other than my friends and to one or two cousins…but they told from the very beginning..sister leave him there will be a time when he cheat for sure and you will cry when he leaves you …as he was my world I never heard their words..but he always says to me that there will be a time when I go from your life and then do be panic..but I never care about his words because am giving this my much then how could he go and never expected or even think about it..but I said one thing that once you get a new gal or if he gets married I will never turn back.. I will go away from your life… no phone calls no messages, and more missed calls.. he never knew that I always keep my words…

Flash back..
I still remember his friendship request on my scrapbook..i was thinking who is dis guy..small guy.. I didnt knew that he was 8 months younger to me..he thought that I was his old friend …that was in September 2006 since I met, there started my friendship..I shared all the things, my past , about my disease about feelings and emotions. Yeah he was a good listener.. He always says…U can talk to me everything under the sun..after that our friendship became so deep.. there started my affection towards him…

Continued…

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

My lost world

Yea..he is under police custody..i am noted internationally..this was my belief..

There started my depression ..a manic depressive disorder otherwise called bipolar disease..i was scared to ask anyone whether I am right or wrong because my thoughts were only about him “my love”..he was my only world.

I was aware about what’s happening outside but in a different world where nobody can ever imagine..…fear to ask scare to live.. each and every second in a false belief….on my own lost world…

I was noted by everyone and everyone saying about me ..may be I am wrong.. or is it an illusion..

I was in a fantasy world with him..but I was living in that world .. a world of only dreams and dreams ….listening to his talks…laughing for each jokes. crying when he go low.. ..there was magic in his each words ..Influenced me so much…I heard his each and every breath through the head phone.. I remember each and every moments with him..each and every words of him…he calls me wify…he called me his princess.. when I call him my friend ..he showed his bad face..

First we were just friends ..it was me who proposed him..when we started loving I always said to him a thousand to compel him to love me…he said “No you are my love, my true love ”. Those times my heart always goes esctacy.

I never cared about anone..neither my parents nor my parents...and I heard only his words..I trusted his words… because he always said me only for HIM….
Continued….